My House is Over-Protected by A Killer Turtle Named George

Do you ever realize that after a long trip away from home that nothing can be quite what it is again after you return? Our friend drove us home from the airport this afternoon to our 65 degree cold house that was more or less exactly as we left it. As we unlocked the front door, I smiled up at a small sticker I bought my wife last year that read PROTECTED BY KILLER TURTLE. Now when I first purchased the sticker on Ebay I thought it was funny… until today.

My wife’s obsession with turtles only mirrors God’s obsession with choirs. And since everyone and their roommates dog’s sister’s friends know this fact, we have tons! And one is, yes, you guessed it, ALIVE. Not like Frankenstein alive but more like swimming around trying to figure out who he is. See, he was found buy some boy of hers in college when the turtle was dime sized and now he’s quite a bit larger. He also has lived in Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Arizona. So he gets a little confused about who he is especially since people change his name every time he moves. I just call him George, but he was a “Hi My Name Is…” tag on his tank so we all know. Of course it’s facing outward since we humans can read and he cannot.

Anyway, George, as I call him, had a friend named Plukey the Plecostomus who would eat the green algae shit from his tank. Plukey kept things clean and always reminded George that his spiny-ass would not taste very good. For this reason his mommy and I would keep a fresh supply of goldfish for him. Now after two weeks, I guess we pissed off George since we weren’t here to turn on his light each and every day. We came home to Plukey’s head floating around the tank sans body.

God rest Plukey the Plecostomus. May your outtards cause George to be constipated as he realized your truly loyal friendship as he murks around in his algae shit that no one will scrape from his tank. Get your own old toothbrush, George. I did my part.